Political Humor

Bud The Cowboy

(This one is a little bit dated, vis-a-vis the technology, but you get the idea!)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

And that, folks is what the problem is all about in Congress!

Tea Party Signs

Below are some slogans that capture many of the principles and issues that Tea Partiers believe in, and are concerned about. They make good sound bites, tweets and Tea Party signs, too!

  • Armed and Dangerous–WITH MY VOTE
  • Born Free, Taxed to Death
  • Cap and Trade = Trap and Raid
  • Congress: Read the Constitution
  • Cut Taxing and Spending; Fire a Politician
  • Debt is the Problem; How Can it be the Solution too?
  • Don’t Bail Out The Boat; FIX THE LEAK
  • Don’t Tread on Me
  • Don’t Mortgage my Child’s Future
  • Don’t Stimulate; Liberate
  • Economics for Dummies: Spend Less Than You Earn
  • Equal Opportunity not Equal Distribution
  • Freedom Works — Bailouts Hurt
  • Give us Liberty; not Debt
  • Government Doesn’t Create Jobs…They Cremate Jobs
  • Got Money? Don’t Let the Government Know
  • High Taxes + Big Government = SLAVERY
  • HONK for capitalism
  • HONK if I’m paying your Mortgage
  • HONK if you’re Fed Up with Both Sides of the Aisle
  • How About a 90% Tax on Congressional Salaries
  • How Can You NOT Know Where the Billions of My Dollars Go?
  • I Am an American and I vote
  • I will keep my Freedom, my Guns, my Money
  • If Everyone Paid Taxes…We Would All Be Equal
  • If You Think Health Care is Expensive Now, Wait Until It’s Free
  • If You Voted YES to Spending, Consider this your Going Away Party.
  • I’m Taking Back My COUNTRY; One Politician at a Time
  • Just Say NO to Socialism
  • Kick ’em Out in 2012
  • Let the Free Markets Work
  • More Government for The People = Less Freedom of the People
  • Next Time, Read the Bill Before You Sign It.
  • No Public Money for Private Failure
  • Our Congress IS a TOXIC ASSET
  • Party like it’s 1773!
  • Pay for your OWN Mortgage
  • Pork, the Other (Red) Meat
  • Power corrupts; Absolute Power corrupts Absolutely
  • Put the Constitution on his Teleprompter!
  • Prefer Voluntary Over Mandatory
  • Print me a trillion While You’re At It
  • Read the 10th Amendment – Power to the States
  • Repeal the Bailout
  • Repeal Big Government Health Care
  • Repeal the Pork or Your Bacon is Cooked
  • Revolution is Brewing … At the Polls
  • Save Trees; Stop Printing Money
  • Stimulate Business, Not Government
  • Stop Punishing Success; Stop Rewarding Failure
  • TEA = Tyranny Elimination Army
  • The Real “Faux News” — The Alphabet Networks — ABC CBS NBC MSNBC — Unfair and Biased
  • The Very Small List: “Things Government Does Well”
  • We the People
  • We’re Not Going Away!
  • Which article of The Constitution gives government the authority to do that?
  • Who Will be Left to Bailout the Government
  • Will Work for Lower Taxes
  • You Can’t Multiply Wealth by Dividing It

The Government Can

Tim Hawkins is a gifted stand-up comic. He has a number of very entertaining videos on YouTube, including this one:

(Visit Tim’s website…)

Translation of Common Euphemisms

There is an email going around the Internet that gives translations for common euphemisms, that is, doublespeak intended to obfuscate the true meaning, in order to promote an agenda. Now, as a public service, we have adapted that list into a handy translation table.

Doublespeak Actual Meaning
Accepted Facts Propaganda
Arsenal of Weapons Gun Collection
Assault Weapon Semi-Auto (Grandpa’s M1 Carbine)
Commonsense Gun Control 2nd Amendment Infringement
Cruelty-Free Materials Synthetic Fiber
Delicate Wetlands Swamp
Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater Patriotic Classical Liberal
Fair Trade Coffee Overpriced Yuppie Coffee
Fairness or Social Progress Marxism
Fiscal Stimulus Wealth Redistribution Scheme
Healthcare Reform Socialized Medicine
Heavily Armed Well Protected
High Capacity Magazine Defense Load
Illegal Hazardous Explosives Fireworks for Stump Removal
Investment For the Future Meddling With Free Enterprise
Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting Mercury-Laden Chinese Light Bulbs
Multicultural Community Melting Pot
Narrow Minded Principled
Non-viable Tissue Mass Unborn Baby
Progressive, Change Big Government Scheme
Reintroduced Wolves Livestock Killers
Religious Zealot Church-Going
Sniper Rifle Scoped Deer Rifle
Taxes or Your Fair Share Highway Robbery
Tea Party Extremist Constitutional Advocate
The Gun Lobby NRA Members
Truants Home Schoolers
Undocumented Worker Illegal Alien
Upper Class or “The Rich” Self Supporting

All You Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:

The Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
The Ten Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818 words
US Government Regulations on the Sale of Cabbage: 26,911 words

Sort of puts things into the proper perspective, doesn’t it?

The Ant and the Grasshopper

Two different versions — two different morals:

Original Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

Moral of the Original Version

Be responsible for yourself!

Modern Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green…’

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We Shall Overcome.”

The radical preacher has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake, but instead of asking for voluntary donations, he demands that the government shake down the ant for his productivity.

The President condemns the ant and blames numerous former presidents, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.

The U.S. House & Senate leaders exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

Moral of the Modern Version

Be careful how you vote in 2012. (Update: Oops! There might be trouble.)

Psalm 23 — A Respectful Parody

DesolationThis little parody illustrates how bureaucracy is replacing honor, virtue and religion in American life; how the cold “redistribution of wealth” is replacing the warmth of charity, duty and accomplishment. Our apologies to the original author.

The Government is my Shepherd, I need not work.
It alloweth me to lie down on a good job; It leadeth me beside still factories; It destroyeth my initiative.
It leadeth me in the path of a parasite for politics’ sake;
Yea, though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit-spending,
I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.
It prepareth an economic Utopia for me, by appropriating the earnings of my own grandchildren.
It filleth my head with false security; My inefficiency runneth over.
Surely the government should care for me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell in a fool’s house forever.